The Girl I Mean To Be
by xSweetiePiex
Summary: Marissa Cooper has more on her plate than the average 9th grader. Deals with the alleged eating disorder referenced in The Rescue.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This is a pre-season one fic. It's my first Marissa-centric ff, so please be nice. This one is really short. I'm not really sure if I want it to be a one-shot or not. Remember when the psychiatrist said that Julie told her Marissa had been anorexic in 9th grade? This fic deals with that. It's rated T for obvious reasons (anorexia). I don't own The O.C... but I wish I did! Please read and review, which should be easy, given the hilariously short legnth (sorry about that) It was a fleeting idea, so I just decided to go with it! Thanks! Oh, and no flames please? The last one I got practically made me cry :(**

She looked in the mirror of her elaborately decorated room. Tilting her head, she turned to the right and gawked at her reflection. She was ugly. Fat. Broken. She placed a manicured hand on top of the bronze skin of her stomach. Her size 0 pants hung low on her protruding hipbones. She turned away.

Collapsing on her bed, she buried her face into the delicately embroidered pillow her father bought her, and cried until she had no more tears left. Wiping her eyes, she pulled herself up and a picture frame hanging on the wall caught her eye. She walked towards it. In the picture she was wearing a pink polka dot halter bikini and standing next to her boyfriend, Luke. They were both smiling widelyon a beautiful beach. She cringed inwardly at how worthless she had become.

She ripped the picture frame violently from the wall, and with more strength than she knew she had, she lunged it at the offending mirror with a crash. Broken shards of glass streamed down onto the floor. So what? She'd have seven years of bad luck. That was, of course, if she even made it that long. She let herself loose control, sliding down the wall until she was just a teary-eyed heap sprawled on the ground. Nothing made sense anymore. She was more confused than she ever thought she could be.

She did know one thing, though. She wasn't going to eat anymore today.


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the next (slightly longer) part of the story. I don't own The O.C. nor am I making any money off of this. Please, don't sue. But, you should review nods because that would make me very, very, happy! Thanks!

14-year-old Marissa Cooper didn't exactly have a picture perfect life. Sure, her dad bought her whatever she wanted. Purses. Bikinis. Designer Clothes. She had the best friend she could ask for, Summer Roberts. She even had a boyfriend, since like 5th grade, Luke Ward. But something was missing. Something very important.

There was just an empty void in her life. She couldn't seem to fill it with anything. No one understood that. Her mother was always doting on Marissa's 11-year-old sister, Kaitlin. And why shouldn't she? Julie and Kaitlin were practically carbon copies of each other. Marissa just didn't fit her mother's "perfect daughter" mold.

Summer seemed to think that going to parties would fill the void. Just the day before, Summer had passed Marissa a note in Biology:

_Coop,_

_Holly's brother (Austin, remember him? He's soooo hot!) is having a party this weekend up at their beach house. Holly invited us! Wanna come? It will be so much fun. I promise. There will be tons of older guys there. And free booze. We should go shopping for a new outfit, k? Call me laters! Love you much, Sum_

Marissa almost couldn't keep herself from letting out a giggle when she read this. Summer loved two things: Drinking and Guys. She seemed to love the chase more than the relationship because she bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend. Marissa knew that boys and drinking would never fill the void she felt in her life.

Although drinking **did **help her. Actually, it helped a lot. Alcohol was her weapon of choice for forgetting. When she was so wasted that she couldn't remember her name, she couldn't remember the pain. She couldn't remember the hurt she felt. She couldn't remember the hole inside of her.

The only problem with drinking was that you couldn't do it all the time. And it caused a loss of control. If there was one thing Marissa hated, it was loosing control. There was nothing more horrible than the loss of control she felt most of the time.

Which was precisely what drove her to anorexia. It didn't start like that. There was not one day where she decided to somehow develop an eating disorder. Food was the one thing she could control. Her mom controlled what she wore. Her best friend and boyfriend decided what she did with her spare time. Her society forced her to act a certain way.

Marissa just wanted to scream. This wasn't who she was.

She didn't want to wear the clothes her mom bought.

She didn't enjoy the crazy parties with Summer anymore.

Hell, sometimes she didn't even enjoy messing around with Luke. She hadn't wanted to go farther than kissing, but it happened. Not of her own accord, totally. They hadn't had sex, but it was getting pretty close. They had practically made it to third base.

She hated who she was. She hated who she was becoming. That was when she decided that she didn't want to eat. And she stuck to her decision.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the next part. Sorry it's been such a long time, and the update is so short. I think that shorter updates work better for this fic. Please read and review… I want to know whether or not I should continue writing this one. I do, however, plan on introducing some new characters…. Maybe even bring Ryan in a little early! Tell me what you think!**

Marissa stood in front of her overflowing closet trying to decide what to wear to Holly's pool party. She finally decided on a Dolce and Gabana bikini with a Chanel wrap. She grabbed her Gucci sunglasses and threw them in her oversized purse right next to her vodka flask.

The vodka flask.

She pulled it out. She had stolen it from her dad's liquor cabinet earlier that morning. She held it in her hands. The cold, shiny metal reflected her broken soul. She opened it and took a sip.

It tasted like rubbing alcohol.

Heck, it practically _was _rubbing alcohol. She liked the taste, though. It was comforting. Within minutes, she felt the warm sensation of alcohol entering the bloodstream. She hadn't eaten all day, and weighing under 100 lbs made the effects all the more powerful.

Before Marissa even realized it, she had drunk more than half the contents of the flask. She grabbed her bag, staggered down the steps, and reached into the liquor cabinet for more vodka. Satisfied she had enough, she left for Holly's house.

Walking down the driveway, she caught a glimpse of the curly-haired boy who lived next door. Seth Cohen. He thought he was better than everyone else. But really, he was just a dork. He wasn't very popular. He wasn't very good looking. But, somehow, Marissa was so envious of him… his life. She was incomplete, broken… and nobody even knew.

As soon as Marissa got there, Summer Roberts greeted her warmly at the door with a hug. Pulling away, she plugged her nose. "Isn't it a little early, Coop?"

Marissa looked at her Swiss watch, "4:30 already? Where's Luke?"

Summer pointed towards the table of snacks. "Over there. He's been waiting for you."

"And we can't have that, can we?"

"Mariss… what's up with you?" Summer looked concerned. "You've been drinking. A lot."

"So have you! Oh, wait… no it's not the same. I don't hook up with random guys!" Marissa shot back. Immediately regretting it, she added. "Sum… I didn't mean that…"

"No, I think you did…" Marissa waited for a snappy comeback. She waited to be called a bitch. She deserved it. She was being a bitch to her best friend. But Summer just turned and walked towards the bathroom. She waited till the door was closed and locked before collapsing on the floor, tears streaming down her face.

**TBC…**


	4. Chapter 4

**So… here's the next part. It is slightly longer, as was promised. Sorry it took so long to update. It's getting a bit more interesting (at least, I think) and there's more of a plotline developing, as opposed to random introspective of a younger Marissa.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The OC nor am I making any money off of this. Please don't sue!**

**Please read & review. No flames. **

Summer just sat on the bathroom floor, hysterical. She couldn't believe Marissa practically called her a slut! Marissa was supposed to be her best friend. And Summer only brought up Marissa's new-found binge drinking habits because she was concerned for her. It's not like Summer didn't drink. She just always knew when she had had enough. Plus, she didn't "hook up" with random guys, like Marissa accused. _How hypocritical_. She thought. _Marissa and Luke have practically slept together. The most I've done is make out!_ She was just social. But that definitely was not the issue here. The issue was Marissa. Marissa's drinking. It was getting out of control. And that scared Summer. She had seen way too many people get hurt from alcoholism.

And, if Summer wasn't mistaken, it looked like Marissa had lost weight. She was already so thin, having a small frame and all. But lately, Summer couldn't remember even seeing her eat.

She pulled herself up off the floor and looked intently at herself in the mirror. She was happy with her reflection. She was happy with who she was. Summer liked to party. She liked to drink. She wasn't ashamed of this. She was proud, actually. She was social. She had quite the reputation.

Outside the bathroom, Marissa debated on whether or not she should go in to find Summer or not. Already a bit fuzzy from her previous vodka binge, Marissa decided the best course of action was to drink a little bit more and wait things out. She hated it when Summer was mad at her. They had been best friends practically forever. She quickly finished off her supply before asking Luke to bring her a beer.

"Babe, I don't think so." Luke answered. He was still sober enough to tell she had drank way too much in too short a time.

"I said… I want a beer!" She screamed, loosing control again. This time, Summer came out of the bathroom. She decided that at that point, whatever argument she was having with Marissa would need to be put on hold because Marissa had a serious problem that they needed to deal with.

"What's going on?" Summer asked.

"Sum… I'm so sorry." Marissa slurred, abandoning her efforts to get more to drink.

"It's okay, Coop." Summer reassured her. And she meant it, too.

"I didn't… I just…" Marissa couldn't form the words she so desperately wanted to say.

"Shhh… it's okay." Summer felt the need to add a half-hearted, "really."

All of a sudden, the color faded from Marissa's face. She put a hand to her head and the other she waved around spastically, trying desperately to maintain balance.

"Is she okay?" Luke wondered aloud, not really asking anyone.

"Marissa?" Summer asked. "Marissa, are you okay?"

Without a word, Marissa's head tilted backwards and she fell to the ground, passed out. Luke tried to grab her in time, and barely was able to keep her head from slamming into the hardwood floor.

"Oh my God! Coop!" Summer screamed. The roar of the party goers engulfed her cries.

"Summer… find Holly!" Luke instructed.

"I'll cal 911" Summer suggested, regaining composure. She pulled out her cell phone.

"No!" Luke almost screamed. She stopped after pressing only the "9" "If you call, then the cops will come. And there's underage kids. And beer. And Marissa's been drinking…"

"What does it matter? What if she's not okay?" Summer asked, worried.

Luke had to admit that her skin was cool and her breathing was really slow. He gulped. "Get… Holly… then see what she says." He paused. "Go!"

Summer ran as fast as she could to find Holly. She found her flirting with a few of her older brother, Austin's, friends.

"Holly!" Summer exclaimed. "I need to talk to you… right now."

"One sec, boys." She walked away from the cuties.

"This better be important! One of them was so gonna ask me to formal, I can just tell…"

"Marissa… passed out… I think we should call 911."

"Oh, my God! Where is she?" Holly replied.

Summer led her to where Marissa and Luke were.

"We gotta get her to a hospital." Summer repeated herself. "She looks almost blue!" Summer made a decision. "That's it, I'm calling." She pulled out her cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. Summer tried to stay calm and explained what happened. As soon as she hung up, she heard Luke's voice clear as a bell echoing through the house.

"THE COPS ARE COMING!"

The house fell silent.

Then everyone ran.

Summer had never seen people run that fast.

Soon, it was just Holly, Luke, Summer, Marissa, and Holly's older brother, Austin.

What would they tell the police about the alcohol?

It was gonna be one long night.


End file.
